Slap on my wrist

Crazy pill count:
AM 300 Lamictal, 75 Nuvigil, 80 Geodon
PM 300 Lamictal, 80 Geodon

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a great resource for those who have mental illnesses as well as friends and family of those with mental illnesses. They have educational resources, support programs, legislation support, and on and on.

One of the things NAMI works on that I feel very strongly about it is fighting stigmas about mental illnesses and those who suffer from them. I have personally been a victim of stigma as I’m sure you have as well. I was researching how to become a NAMI StigmaBuster and discovered that according to NAMI I am promoting stigmas with this blog.

My main intention of this blog is to support individuals who are bipolar, but I also hope to help educate anyone who is curious. I believe knowledge and understanding helps fight the stigma associated with being bipolar. I think when people know more about being crazy, they discover it’s not that crazy after all.

According to NAMI, using the word “crazy” to describe an individual with a mental illness, which I do roughly one million times per entry, promotes mental illness stigma.

This is upsetting to me because I personally believe talking frankly about being bipolar and using the politically incorrect words and phrases helps bring us down to the nitty gritty of what it’s really like to be bipolar. The stigmatic terms are out there. Let’s face them and get comfortable with them because they’re not going anywhere.

In the same breath, I, myself, cringe when other people talk about those with mental illnesses ignorantly, and insensitively as being "crazy." I am a living and breathing double standard.


I thought that, perhaps, this blog could be my own personal contribution to fighting stigma with my attempt to promote knowledge and understanding. But is that coming across?

I am conflicted. What are your thoughts? Should I discontinue this blog?

Until next time…

Beware - I bite

Crazy pill count:
AM 300 Lamictal, 40 Geodon, 150 Nuvigil
PM 300 Lamictal, 120 Geodon, 5 Zyprexa

This morning I woke up hating the fact that I was alive. This was not just waking up on the wrong side of bed. I was unspeakably pissed that I was a part of the world and expected to exist in it. This emotion overtook my whole being. My face was hot, my heart was pounding, I was actually growling. Crazy? Uh…yeah.


I was almost too mad to brush my teeth, if that makes sense. What am I saying? Of course that doesn't make sense. I thought about calling Dr. Crazy because I knew this was not normal, but decided to drive the thirty minutes to work and call him once I got there. I was not too mad to talk to him on the phone, I was simply too mad to dial the numbers.

One hour later…fine.

Everything is back to normal. I am part of this world and happy about it. I am happy with my world to boot.

This is the type of thing that belongs in the book, The Joy of Being Bipolar: Everyday moods that destroy your day. One of the most frustrating things about being bipolar is that even when you are taking your crazy pills, at a moments notice your mood can flip. And then at another moments notice flip back. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

Sound familiar, crazy friends? Have you written a chapter in The Joy of Being Bipolar?

Until next time...

BFF

Crazy pill count:
AM 300 Lamictal, 40 Geodon, 150 Nuvigil
PM 300 Lamictal, 120 Geodon

“…Ohhhh, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly, for he’s a jolly good fel-loww, which nobody can deny…” I would like to throw a parade for Nuvigil. I am profoundly, profoundly better since I started Nuvigil last Friday. And yes, two profoundlys, if that's even a word, are necessary.

I would like to publicly announce Nuvigil is my new best friend. If I could, I would ask Dawn for the BFF necklace I gave her, before she moved to Florida in 2nd grade, back so I could wrap it around my pill bottle. Does that sound ridiculous? I don't think it does.

I can sit still through an entire movie. No fidgeting, no inner restlessness. I can stay on task and finish what I start before moving on to what’s next. I can concentrate. I can focus. Work was awesome this morning. I could get through class without time moving at the pace of sixty minutes per second. My mind didn’t wander and I enjoyed the children. I didn’t get irritated, unnecessarily, even once. I feel calm. I don’t need to sleep sixteen out of twenty-four hours.

I feel content. Content has always been my goal. My goal is not to be “happy,” I just long to be “content.” And content I feel. It is foreign to me, but something I remember from long, long ago. It feels like I have come home. The only, possibly, negative thing is that it is difficult for me to fall asleep, and I wake up, naturally, 7 to 8 hours later. But wait, is that what’s normal? Is that a pro and not a con?

If you have never tried Nuvigil I recommend talking to your doctor about it immediately. You might be lucky enough to have a similar experience as me. If not, my personal attitude is, “That sucks it didn’t work as hoped. What should we try next?” Having an open mind about Dr. Crazy's suggestions is the only way we have ever figured out what works by trial and error. It’s hard. It sucks trying and trying and not getting it right. It’s frustrating and painful being “stuck” depressed, or manic, or mixed. That is why it has been so important to try, try, try.

Before I go, I would like to dedicate this song to Nuvigil…



Until next time…

Are you going to use that grocery cart?

Crazy pill count:
AM 300 Lamictal, 40 Geodon, 150 Nuvigil
PM 300 Lamictal, 120 Geodon

It has been brought to my attention that saying someone is bipolar is not politically correct. Apparently the politically correct description is to say someone has bipolar disorder. I disagree. I am who I am, and who I am is bipolar. There is nothing wrong with being bipolar. This is not something to be embarrassed or ashamed about. It’s not my fault or my choice; it is simply how I am made and who I am. I don’t hide it from people, but when it comes up in a conversation there are two common reactions.

You're what?!?

1) Alarm. I can actually see alarm on their face. They become afraid of me. Suddenly I can’t be trusted, or relied on because I am crazy. I might even murder them because, didn’t you know, all crazy people are capable of murder. You didn’t know that? Good thing I just warned you! If I already know them fairly well, they might immediately scroll back in time in their head searching for times I might have displayed my craziness. They might even offer me a grocery cart. You do know that crazy people are destined to be homeless and mumble obscenities to themselves while pushing a shopping car full of there only belongings, right? Perhaps they have never known a crazy person before and I do understand that, after all, it is human nature to be frightened by the unknown. Besides, they might catch it.

Oh...uhh...uhh...

2) Discomfort. Want to hush a room? Want to make someone immediately look at the floor? If so, just blurt out, or gently sneak into a conversation the words, “I am bipolar and…” or I am bipolar so…” or “Because I’m bipolar…” I have found these are all great conversation starters. It’s a great way to insure these particular types of people will not be your friend and, most likely, stop conversing with you. I mean come on, who in their right mind would want to talk to someone with a crazy mind.

I would be a liar if I said these reactions are not hurtful and frustrating, but they are what they are. People are people and you can't expect them to change. That is a battle you will never win. Instead of fighting, it is necessary to toughen your skin and focus on the types of people below...

That's interesting. What's it like?

I understand...

The not as common reactions include the very curious, and those who don’t bat an eyelash. These are the individuals who become your friends. These are the individuals who make you feel like it is okay to be crazy. Because, guess what, it is okay to be crazy. Crazy people can do, well, crazy things. I have done countless crazy things. Those of you who are crazy have as well. It’s not our fault or our choice; it is simply how we are made and who we are.

I don’t want to give you the impression that I am proud to be bipolar, because I am not. That is not the case at all. But I am proud of the person I have grown into and that person just so happens to be bipolar.

Despite all, I am not going to hide or quit telling people I am crazy, because it is who I am. I am bipolar. You or someone you know may suffer from bipolar disorder, but not me. I am who I am, and who I am is bipolar.

Until next time...

Friend not foe

Crazy pill count:
AM 300 lamictal, 40 Geodon, 150 Nuvigil
PM 300 lamictal, 120 Geodon

"The Psychiatrist" by Jacqueline Jones

I keep mentioning Dr. Crazy but haven’t told you much about him. Think you have a great doctor? Well, get ready to be jealous. I don't mean to brag, no, actually that's exactly what I mean to do. On your mark, get set, brag!

Dr. Crazy is a kind man who deeply cares about his patients. An appointment is $150 a pop, and he doesn’t accept any insurance; but he’s worth it. He’s also worth the hours in the waiting room.

Record – 3 ½ hours

Don’t be fooled, there is a good reason for all of the waiting. Dr. Crazy doesn’t set a timer or keep an eye on the clock. Your session is over when all of the issues have been resolved.

Record shortest – 20 minutes
Record longest – 105 minutes

Since he spends unlimited amount of time with each patient he gets behind. Hours behind; but he’s worth it.

Dr. Crazy also “includes” unlimited phone calls any time of day, on any day of the week, including holidays and when he is on vacation. I have called him at 11:45pm during a mania. He told me to take 5mg of Zyprexa and to call him back at 12:30am, and then again at 1:30am. Know any doctors that do this? I didn’t think so. If you call Dr. Crazy he will call you back the same day. Always. It might be at 10:30pm, but he will call. I have never known a doctor who is so invested and involved with his patient’s care, and I have been to a lot of doctors. A lot.

Dr. Crazy is on the cutting edge of treatments. He doesn’t put every bipolar patient on Lithium. In fact, I'm quite confident he doesn't put any patient on Lithium. With modern research, there are so many better medication options available. He works with the newest drugs and with what seems to me, the lay person, as bizarre combinations, but he knows what he’s doing. I even tried Saphris when it had only been out for a week. Saphris turned out to be one of the worst medications on the planet, which you know if you browsed over my last entry, but we tried it.

Thanks to Dr. Crazy, I am not frightened of myself anymore. I know I have someone who knows me, who knows what it’s like to be me, who cares about me, who will help me through anything, anytime I need it. I wish this for everyone. I wish Dr. Crazy could be everyone’s doctor as the world would be a safer place for those with mental illnesses.

My gratitude to Dr. Crazy is beyond words.

Don't you think nothing says gratitude more than giving Dr. Crazy this crystal Peanuts statue? Don't you feel like it shows what words can't express?


Woah, I didn't really give him a crystal Peanuts statue but I feel it really captures gratitude. Don't you? Woah, not really, but wouldn't it be great if I were serious?

Until next time...

Keep out of reach of children

Crazy pill count:
AM 300 Lamictal, 40 Geodon, 150 Nuvigil
PM 300 Lamictal, 120 Geodon

In the past three and a half years I have tried eleven different pills. Blue, yellow, pink, green and several different shaped and sized white pills.

The good thing about taking a rainbow of medications is that it gives you a rainbow brain.

Dr. Crazy and my experimentation has consisted of, in alphabetical order, Cymbalta, Geodon, Lamictal, Lexapro, Nuvigil, Prozac, Saphris, Strattera, Symbyax, Topamax, and Zyprexa.

I have not tried all these pills because Dr. Crazy doesn’t know what he is doing, but the exact opposite. Dr. Crazy brilliantly knows about all medications on plant Earth, and how they act alone and in combination with one another. Under Dr. Crazy’s care I have tried eleven different medications because every combination is different, every person is different, and it is also possible to respond to the same medication differently at different times. This takes a brilliant man, like Dr. Crazy, to be able to eloquently balance the medications on an, usually unpredictable, as need basis.

Each pill has been a greatly different experience. Curious of my personal accounts with a particular medication? If so, just ask.

I will tell you a little about my least favorite medication. Saphris!

Consider the following to be a formal warning:
Stear clear!!!!!!!!

Saphris needs to be dissolved on your tongue which takes about five minutes. After it dissolves you can not eat or drink for ten minutes. This doesn’t sound like that big of a deal except it tastes like poison. P-O-I-S-O-N. For the entire five minutes it takes to dissolve you have poisonous saliva swimming around in your mouth. It is earth shattering how awful it tastes. I am not exaggerating. Take it from her...

To top it off, it numbs your tongue for about forty-five minutes after you administer it. Numb. Like novacaine numb. It’s obnoxious.

Saphris also comes in the strangest and most annoying packaging. It is a large, plastic rectangle that requires you to hold down a button with your thumb while pulling the pill sheet out with your other hand. Perhaps you are thinking it doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, and I suppose it’s not, except once you finally get the pill sheet out it is nearly impossible to break the tinfoil seal. Apparently the manufacture feels the magic, plastic, rectangle push and slide packaging is not childproof enough and therefore needs to make the tinfoil indestructible. It's ridiculous. You have to actually get out your scissors and cut it open. This is not because I’m a wimp, either. It has a picture of scissors on it! Besides, in my world scissors does not childproof a make. Last time I checked children could use scissors. What about the old fashioned press and twist bottle tops? That's the hard shit. I'm thirty and not always able to open it without frustration.

Still don’t think that sounds annoying? I mean, come on, if it requires visual instructions, there's a problem. See for yourself...

To make it as painful as possible, I had to take it twice a day!
Gross times two.
Annoying times two.

Luckily it didn’t work very well for me so I didn’t take it for long. Or shall I say unfortunately it didn’t work very well for me so I was unable to replace it with Zyprexa, aka my beloved fat pills. Regardless, I was thrilled to say good riddance to Saphris!

What’s the worst medication you have tried?

Until next time…

Cheers to my new cocktail

Crazy pill count:
AM 300 Lamictal, 40 Geodon, 3/25 Symbyax
Afternoon 150 Nuvigil
PM 300 Lamictal, 120 Geodon

See ya later Symbyax! With your absence I am hoping not to be so damn tired, hungry, and possibly even want to have sex. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Symbyax, I will give you a little crash course. 3/25 Symbyax is a combination of 25mg Prozac and 3mg of Zyprexa. This is an awesome concoction for mood, but terrible for eating, sleeping and making whoopee.

My Symbyax will be replaced by 150mg of Nuvigil. Nuvigil has the promise of daytime wakefulness. It has been used to treat narcolepsy, sleepiness from shift work or sleep apnea, helps counteract the sleepiness caused by certain medications (bingo) and has also done well in trials for ADHD. Nuvigil helps focus and mental sharpness while reducing the need for extreme amounts of sleep.

I am queen of extreme amounts of sleep. Yesterday I woke up, only by an alarm clock, after eleven hours of sleep. Then I took a three and a half hour afternoon nap, which again I only woke up from the use of an alarm clock, and still managed to fall asleep by 8:30pm. I put Sleeping Beauty to shame.

Who looks sleepier?

I trust Dr. Crazy. He is brilliant at what he does and seems to know everything about medications, medication combination, and off label uses. Cephalon has clinical trials planned for Nuvigil as treatment for bipolar disorder, but Dr. Crazy is already ahead of them. Smart cookie.

I am a little apprehensive since my current regiment is working rather well, and I am not in the mood to get depressed or manic and seem to have trouble whenever I eliminate Zyprexa from my cocktail, but Dr. Crazy is always looking for a better way to treat me without bothersome side effects like gaining 5lbs. every time I as much as look at a pill.

Nuvigil mugshot

See how much scarier the Zyprexa is? Especially the blue. Blue pills are pretty, but creep me out.
Quick - look away! I don't want you to blame me for gaining 10lbs.

I thought I would share some of the possible side effects with you for entertainment purposes, but Nuvigil only seems to have run of the mill side effects like headache, nausea, dizziness. Boring. Of course I don’t wish to be a victim of debilitating side effects, but enjoy reading about them. I am beyond lucky that I usually tolerate medications well. Well, except for the being tired and fat and asexual.

Nuvigil?! Here’s hoping!

Until next time…

Fat pills

Crazy pill count:
AM 300 Lamictal, 40 Geodon, 3/25 Symbyax
PM 300 lamictal, 120 Geodon

Fat pills. There is no other way to describe them. Unfortunately they work tremendously well and without them I am, you guessed it, crazy. Doctors and pharmacists call these pills Zyprexa, but I, and possibly you as well, call them fat pills.

Take a look. Doesn't it look like the recipe for getting a fat ass?
Take another look. Doesn't it look ominousness and like something that could frighten children?

I have the ultimate love/hate relationship with Zyprexa because it is the ultimate, cream of the crop, crazy pill. Feel like I am accelerating upwards? Feel myself dipping down? Pop at 2.5mg or 5mg and you can watch me steady out. You can also watch me, almost instantly, gain 5lbs.

I have been on Zyprexa for three and a half years. In this time I have gained thirty pounds. THIRTY, in all caps, for the farsighted and the cheap seats in the back. The problem with Zyprexa is that it increases your appetite. Majorly. I have been hungry 24/7 for over three years. The next problem is being satiated. No mater how much I eat, I will never get full. Ever. The last problem is that it makes my body more efficient at turning fuel into fat. What does that mean? It means the extra calories that normally turn to fat do so with vigor, with passion, with the utmost enthusiasm. One extra bite – BAM! – zero to fat in sixty seconds.

If you are on Zyprexa and don’t have these problems you are rare, and I am extremely jealous of you. Appreciate your luck. I, and the other 90% on the other hand, may possibly always remain hungry and fat and, by the way, what's for lunch?

Until next time…

Whoopsie Daisy

Crazy pill count:
AM 300 Lamictal, 40 Geodon, 3/25 Symbyax
PM 300 Lamictal, 120 Geodon

Right on top of the list of bipolar care is take your medicine. Take you medicine, take your medicine, take your medicine. Preferably, take the correct medication at the correct dosage.

Last night I took 240mg of Geodon instead of 120mg. This was a mistake as I am horrible at math and horrible at reading my medication bottles.

40 x 6 = 240
...not 120...
duh.

I called Dr. Crazy and luckily it was okay that I took a double dosage. Phew…
I felt a little zonked and so Dr. Crazy recommended I watch “American Idol” and call him in the morning.

Dr. Crazy has a lot of clout in my household. I usually do everything he says without argument or hesitation. I trust over 100% that he knows best. He has proven this fact over and over again for three and a half years, and so I don’t google every medication he wants to add to my cocktail, or look up everything he said in a textbook “just in case.” Having this reassurance makes being crazy a little easier, and feels a little safer. Thanks to this, I could easily win the most compliant patient award.

More on Dr. Crazy later.

Until next time…