Crazy pill count:
AM 250 Nuvigil, 6/25 Symbyax
PM 7.5 Zyprexa, 200 Lamictal
"It's too late to apologize," says One Republic.
Is it?
Bipolar disorder can cause us to do things. Awful things. Painful, shocking, harrowing things. Things we would never conceive of doing in a normal state. Things we would never wish upon our worst enemy. Things that horrify even ourselves. But we have done some of them. Or at least, I have.
I have apologized until I have become blue in the face.
But did it matter? Can an apology ever fix those things? Can we ever be forgiven? Can we be given another chance knowing clearly it could happen again?
Can we expect people to accept our apology?
It's a game of 20 questions.
In this post, I talked about the difference between excuse and explanation. I said that, although, our actions may require an apology, being bipolar does not. But now I'm not so sure. Does it? Do we need to apologize to those we love for being such a burden? Sometimes it feels like yes.
And what about us? What about the ways we have harmed our lives? What about the things that have harmed no one but ourselves?
Can we accept our own apology?
Is it ever too late?
Until next time...
I feel like a burden to my loved ones all the time, but the good news is that they somehow don't see me as a burden. I'm sure yours don't either. Also, now that I understand myself better and mental illness better, I know I'm not a freak, and am finding it easier to forgive myself... sometimes. I often think about all the things I've done to myself and how being depressed etc. has impacted my life, and how things could have been different. But I am learning that there is a lot of good stuff about me and good things I've done anyway, and I have to accept myself and make the most of life. I've learned a lot of things from being depressed, so I can't really pretend to know how things would be or who I would be without it.
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