Suicide Helpline

Crazy pill count:

AM 250 Nuvigil

PM 12/25 Symbyax, 300 Lamictal

In the past few days more than one person was directed to this blog by googling "suicide helpline."

In an emergency, the emergency being suicidal thoughts, this is the most important thing you can ever google. In this post I listed suicide helpline links, but it is important enough I wanted to post them again.

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1.800.273.TALK

1.800.273.8255


International Helpline: Search by Country

BEFRIENDERS WORLDWIDE SUICIDE HELPLINE


It's never ever too late.

I promise.

Until next time...

Happy?...or...Happy?

Crazy pill count:
AM 250 Nuvigil
PM 12/25 Symbyax, 300 Lamictal

Am I happy?
Or am I happy?

Sometimes it's hard to decipher if we are experiencing normal happiness, or if we are climbing the rungs of mania. It can be damn hard to tell. I wish I didn't have to be suspicious of happiness. I wish I didn't have to question joy. But I do. We do.

So what does happiness feel like? Sometimes I can't remember. I especially have to be suspicious when I am happy for no reason. This seems unfair, that I can't just enjoy being caught up in a moment of elation, but I have to measure and keep track.

How long have been happy for?

Am I getting happier with every breath?

Does it make sense that I feel this happy?

What a bummer having to question happiness. It feels so un-zen like. But guess what - bipolar disorder isn't exactly a zen condition. While manic we are so caught in the moment nothing exists but that moment and that joy. We can not see outside of the moment or outside of our happiness, so if possible, we have to catch it in the beginning before it gets out of hand.

The best tool I use is to ask myself am I content, or am I ecstatic?

Mania is not content. It is ecstatic and turbulent and spasmodic. It accelerates with fury and, without a moments notice, can fall just as quickly. Contentment is still. It is full of a steady peacefulness. There is nothing peaceful about a mania.

So what do we do?

After we've charted our happiness we get to make a decision.

(#1) I am content.
Life is good.
I am Mr. Happy.


(#2) I am turning manic.
Call Dr. Crazy.
I am Mr. Bipolar.

Our constitutional right is to pursue happiness and we still get to be happy, we just have to make sure we're not happy. Letting a mania run loose is dangerous to us and others. It's important to "keep tabs" on our moods to make sure a mania doesn't destroy things. Important things...like our life.

So by all means pursue happiness and be happy - just make sure you're not happy.

If you're not sure if you are happy or happy, The Joy of Being Bipolar: Everyday moods that destroy your day has a simple six question checklist for this purpose.

(#1) Am I so happy I physically can't quit frolicking?

(#2) Am I so happy I can only speak in rhymes?

(#3) Am I so happy my eyes are bleeding?

(#4) Did I just buy a one million dollar pair of argyle socks?

(#5) Did I just buy one million pairs of argyle socks?

(#6) Am I considering jumping off the roof with an umbrella because if Mary Poppins can do it, so can I?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, call your Dr. Crazy asap. This is not normal happiness. If you were able to answer "no" to the above questions, you just might be a regular old happy camper. So smile, and enjoy.

Until next time...

Just Breathe...

Crazy pill count:

AM 250 Nuvigil

PM 12/25 Symbyax, 300 Lamictal



Keep breathing. Sometimes it's all we can do. Just breathe.

Inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale...it's all we can muster.

Somedays breathing feels like a choice, and not necessarily the more attractive choice of the two. You see the problem is I heard a rumor that we need to breathe in order to live. And so this other choice, this purposely not breathing choice, notoriously known as suicide, is not really the better of the two.

Here I go bringing up suicide again. I know, I know, it's a topic we never want to talk about. It's the ultimate killjoy. But suicide is a choice, and it's not a good choice, by the way. Trust me on that one. It can feel like the only choice. This I know first hand, man do I ever know this first hand. You might too. But it's not the only choice. It never is.

We have another choice...

to...

It can be painful, this business of existing, in an unpredictable world with unpredictable brain chemistry. But it can also be joyful and gorgeous and worth the ride. Is worth the ride.

Tattoo it on your wrist if you have to.


Tattoo it on your side if you have to.



Button it on your shirt if you have to.

You betcha there's a chapter in The Joy of Being Bipolar: Everyday moods that destroy your day on this very topic. Chapter 72 Inhale, Exhale, Swallow a pill, Inhale, Exhale.

I wish I had more eloquent advice. But in the topic of suicide, all I've got is...

Sometimes all we can do is keep breathing.

And sometimes, just sometimes, somedays, it's all we can do; but it's enough.

Inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale...


Until next time...

Z is for Zyprexa

Crazy pill count:
AM 250 Nuvigil, 6/25 Symbyax
PM 7.5 Zyprexa, 200 Lamictal

Since 1998, I have sung the ABC's of bipolar disorder.


I have tried crazy pills from A to Z.

From Abilify to Zyprexa...with droves of medications in between.

Abilify
Ativan
Adderall

Celexa

Cymbalta

Depakote
Fanapt

Geodon

Lamictal

Latuda

Lexapro

Lithium
Lyrica

Nuvigil

Paxil

Prozac

Saphris

Seroquel

Strattera

Symbyax

Topamax
Valuim
Wellbutrin

Zyprexa

In case you don't feel like counting, that's twenty-four different medications, starting with thirteen different letters, squeezed into fourteen different years.

Was this exhausting? You bet your tushie it was. Is. But I'm willing to try twenty-three more if need be.

Why do I do it? Why do I keep trying crazy pills? It seems kind of...well...crazy. And it is. But it's crazier to give up.

If you have the headache of the century and take a Tylenol and it doesn't work, do you swear off all pain medication forever? No. You try Advil, or Ibuprofen, or Aspirin, or Aleve, or Tylenol 3, or Percocet, or Vicodin, and on and on and on and on. You keep trying until your head no longer aches. It's the exact same thing with psychiatric medications.

Is the first crazy pill you try going to work? Maybe.

What if it doesn't? Try a second.


Is the third crazy pill you try going to work? Maybe.

What if is doesn't? Try a fourth.


Is the fifteenth crazy pill you try going to work? Maybe.

What if it doesn't? Try a sixteenth.


Keep trying. There is a pill, or combination of pills, that will work. But we have to be willing to experiment. We have to because what's the alternative?

Broken relationships?

Lost jobs?

Debt?

Suicide?

In case you're not sure, these are not good options, people.

It's a lot easier to swallow a pill then to mend a marriage. It's a lot easier to swallow a pill then deal with debt collectors. It's a lot easier to swallow a pill then navigate through each twenty-four hours in complete emotional darkness.

I don't mean to lecture you. Okay, I kind of do. Is it obnoxious? Maybe a bit. But it's important enough to be obnoxious.

His lecture looks much more obnoxious.

His lecture looks much more fascinating.

Why do I keep telling you it can get better when I'm obviously not a doctor?

How can I know it can get better?

How can I know you can get better?

Am I physic? Not exactly. I mean I don't have a 900 number or anything, but if I did you better believe it would be 1-900-TakeYourDamnPills.

I'm not handing out false hope here; I'm just telling it like it is.
There's a whole bouquet of super smarty pants people making drugs. Drugs that work. We just have to find the ones that works for us.

Check out how smart these pants are.

Please don't give up. I'll hang from the ceiling next time, if necessary. Really, I will, I'm that crazy.

Please don't give up. You deserve...everything.

Until next time...

A long post about a short life

Crazy pill count:

AM 250 Nuvigil, 3/25 Symbyax

PM 7.5 Zyprexa, 200 Lamictal

Life is short.

Too short, many would argue.

Life has an expiration date. An unknown expiration date. It's not conveniently stamped on our arms like cartons of milk. It's not there, looming on our skin, reminding us time is almost up.

Whew, this milk is really expired...

So what is life too short for?

Life is too short for cheap soap.

Life is too short for reading bad books.

Life is too short to skip dessert.

Life is too short to save the good china.

Life is too short to sit out a dance.

Most of all, life is too short to refuse taking crazy pills.

Don't waste a single day, a single moment, a single breath, feeling bad when you don't have to.

Of course taking pills doesn't doesn't guarantee perfect moods, but it sure as hell guarantees a chance.

Bust out "the good soap."

Eat a normal old breakfast, on a normal old day, on your best china.

Read books that inspire you or make you laugh.

Eat (or drink) dessert.

Don't clutter your bookshelf with bad books; don't clutter your days with bad moods; and no matter how cluttered the dance floor is...when the music comes on...dance!

Luckily, The Joy of Being Bipolar: Everyday moods that destroy your day comes with a soundtrack for this very purpose.

Hookie Pookie, take your pills...life is too damn short not to.

Feel like you need this shirt? (me too) Get it here.

Until next time...

Singin' the Blues

Crazy pill count:
AM 250 Nuvigil, 6/26 Symbyax
PM 7.5 Zyprexa, 200 Lamictal

Someone should write a song about crazy pills.
Oh wait, they already did.

See below:



Until next time...

Apology

Crazy pill count:

AM 250 Nuvigil, 6/25 Symbyax

PM 7.5 Zyprexa, 200 Lamictal

"It's too late to apologize," says One Republic.

Is it?

Bipolar disorder can cause us to do things. Awful things. Painful, shocking, harrowing things. Things we would never conceive of doing in a normal state. Things we would never wish upon our worst enemy. Things that horrify even ourselves. But we have done some of them. Or at least, I have.

I have apologized until I have become blue in the face.

But did it matter? Can an apology ever fix those things? Can we ever be forgiven? Can we be given another chance knowing clearly it could happen again?

Can we expect people to accept our apology?

It's a game of 20 questions.

In this post, I talked about the difference between excuse and explanation. I said that, although, our actions may require an apology, being bipolar does not. But now I'm not so sure. Does it? Do we need to apologize to those we love for being such a burden? Sometimes it feels like yes.

And what about us? What about the ways we have harmed our lives? What about the things that have harmed no one but ourselves?

Can we accept our own apology?

Is it ever too late?

Until next time...

Bipolar Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

Crazy pill count:

AM 250 Nuvigil, 6/25 Symbyax

PM 7.5 Zyprexa, 200 Lamictal

Just another average day in the life of bipolar disorder...


Until next time...