To Be Mute or To Growl

Crazy pill count:
AM 250 Nuvigil
PM 225 Lamictal, 10 Zyprexa

Sometimes when I am depressed, I don't have much to say.
I have a stillness where words don't form.

A sad stillness.  Maybe you have felt it too.
I don't want to move, I don't want to talk.
My bed calls for me...just sleep...just sleep...

When caught among a mixed episode, like I have been lately, I want to scream. Sometimes I do scream. I stomp around my house pounding my feet growling.  I do. I actually growl. I'm angry and irritable.  An intense, angry, irritable energy surges through my body.  I don't sleep, and when I talk I only have angry irritable things to say.

But when depressed, there is no energy.
There is no anger or irritability, and there is nothing to say.

Which is worse?  Being mixed or depressed?
Which is worse?  Screaming or being mute?

Normally a Chatty Kathy, when depressed I don't answer the phone, and I don't return calls. If I do answer, I'm asked, "Why are you so quiet?" I avoid social situations too, but if I must go, I'm asked, "Why are you so quiet?"

The answer:

Sometimes there are no words; there is only sadness.

Not much, not much, not much to say...

When mixed I also don't answer the phone, and I don't return calls. If I do answer I'm asked, "Yikes, what's wrong?" I avoid social situations too, but if I must go, I'm asked, "Yikes, what's wrong?"

The answer:
Sometimes there are no explinations; there is only growling.
Grrrr...

So what do we do?
How do we smile when we really want to bite?
How do we laugh when we really want to cry?

Beats me.
Sorry, friends, I have no answers.

Sometimes all we an do is read The Joy of Being Biplor: Everyday moods that destroy your day, Chapter 33 When Not to Answer the Phone, take our crazy pills, and wait out the storm.  It too will pass. Scouts honor.

Until next time...

P.S. I Love You to Pieces

Crazy pill count:
AM 250 Nuvigil
PM 225 Lamictal, 10 Zyprexa

I had an appointment with Dr. Crazy the other day.
He gave me, yet another, great description of being crazy.
This man sure knows how to put words together.

Jigsaw puzzles...

Did you know they make jigsaw puzzles with no pictures? Well, they do. The entire puzzle is one color, such as solid white. There are also no edges. Doesn't sound difficult enough - don't worry there's more. These puzzles actually come with extra pieces to throw you off in case all one color and no edges isn't quite hard enough.

These puzzles are not for namby-pambies.

So what does this have to do with being crazy?
When you are bipolar, you are negotiating your way around the world in a similar manner as putting together this puzzle.  There are no pictures to reference, or edges to define the perimeter, and there are more pieces than you will ever need.

It's hard to navigate through a bipolar world.  There are no edge pieces to guide you where to start; there is no picture to gage your progress; and damn it, there are extra pieces because, damn it, sometimes life isn't fair.

Being crazy is not for namby-pambies.

But guess what?
No matter how difficult these puzzles are,
there are people who can put them together.

It is not hopeless.
Being crazy is not hopeless.
It is simply a more difficult puzzle.

Until next time...

P.S.

Happy Feet

Crazy pill count:
AM 250 Nuvigil
PM 3/25 Symbyax, 300 Lamictal, 5 Zyprexa, 1 Fanapt

Dr. Crazy has an eloquent way of explaining all things of the crazy condition.
I was reminded, today, of a story he once told me.

Imagine walking through a forest with a nail stuck in your foot.
Ouch! Yes, step after step, all you can think about is the pain.

You don't notice the large beautiful tree, you don't see the chipmunk or feel the soft breeze on your checks; because all you can notice and feel is the intense pain every time you take a step.  And by golly it's not your fault - for Gods sake you have a nail in your foot!

Poor little feet...

However, if you were to go on the same walk, on the same path, through the same forest, without a blasted nail in your foot, suddenly it's entirely different.

Wow, look at that tree!  It's huge!  It's beautiful!  Awww, a chipmunk.  This breeze...man this breeze...how divine! What a lovely forest.

It's a completely different experience.  Yet it is the same.

The difference?
Without the nail, you are able to experience the world, and not only the pain.

That's what it's like to be crazy.
It's walking around with a nail in your foot.
The world has nothing to offer or experience except pain.

But that's where crazy pills come in. With the aid of glorious crazy pills, we can step outside of our pain, and be in the world. We can walk among the trees, notice chipmunks, and feel the breeze.

So take your pills, because there is so much wonder to experience.
Get that damn nail out of your foot.

Now these are happy feet...

Until next time...