AM 250 Nuvigil
PM 225 Lamictal, 10 Zyprexa
Sometimes when I am depressed, I don't have much to say.
I have a stillness where words don't form.
A sad stillness. Maybe you have felt it too.
I don't want to move, I don't want to talk.
My bed calls for me...just sleep...just sleep...
When caught among a mixed episode, like I have been lately, I want to scream. Sometimes I do scream. I stomp around my house pounding my feet growling. I do. I actually growl. I'm angry and irritable. An intense, angry, irritable energy surges through my body. I don't sleep, and when I talk I only have angry irritable things to say.
But when depressed, there is no energy.
There is no anger or irritability, and there is nothing to say.
Which is worse? Being mixed or depressed?
Which is worse? Screaming or being mute?
Normally a Chatty Kathy, when depressed I don't answer the phone, and I don't return calls. If I do answer, I'm asked, "Why are you so quiet?" I avoid social situations too, but if I must go, I'm asked, "Why are you so quiet?"
Sometimes there are no words; there is only sadness.Not much, not much, not much to say...
When mixed I also don't answer the phone, and I don't return calls. If I do answer I'm asked, "Yikes, what's wrong?" I avoid social situations too, but if I must go, I'm asked, "Yikes, what's wrong?"
Sometimes there are no explinations; there is only growling.
So what do we do?
How do we smile when we really want to bite?
How do we laugh when we really want to cry?
Sorry, friends, I have no answers.
Sometimes all we an do is read The Joy of Being Biplor: Everyday moods that destroy your day, Chapter 33 When Not to Answer the Phone, take our crazy pills, and wait out the storm. It too will pass. Scouts honor.
Until next time...