AM 250 Nuvigil
Afternoon 20 Prozac
PM 10 Zyprexa, 20 Prozac
I mentioned a while ago that I have declared 2012 The Year of Letting Go.
There are just so many gosh darn things to let go of.
Things that no longer have a place in my life.
Things that are holding me back for being who I want to be, and of doing the things I want to do.
I started out simple. I let go of countless email lists that I am subscribed to that I don't read. That one was rather simple. All I had to do was click "unsubscribe." Why did it take me so long to take that simple step?
It feels really good to not have my inbox flooded with irrelevant information.
I let go of facebook friends that really weren't my friends. 188 facebook friends.
I let go of every person who was negative.
It feels really good to log into facebook and only have updates from people who lift me up.
Just the other day I let go of my Yoga Alliance teacher registration. I have not taught yoga in over five years. I have not taught yoga, because I haven't wanted to. But I hung on to my registration out of fear. I spent a lot of time and money earning my certification, and many years, happily, teaching. The fear? What if I wake up tomorrow and want to be a yoga teacher again? I was desperately holding onto something I no longer wanted to be anymore, just in case. The trick is, the time, the money, the happily teaching, it is all past tense.
It took me a while to get there, but I realized it's okay to not be a yoga teacher anymore. I didn't waste my time or money earning my certification because I put it to good use. Holding onto the "what if" was exhausting and stressful. I was carrying around the idea that I was supposed to be a yoga teacher and supposed to is a dangerous place to live.
It felt really good to slip my renewal form in the recycling bin.
I let go of old clothes. Jeans that haven't fit in years.
Surprisingly this one was hard. I have been carrying around with me the idea that I should be wearing size 0 jeans, when in reality, size 0 was too thin then, and sure is hell is too thin now.
It felt really good to stack those jeans into an old grocery sack.
Wondering what this has to do with being crazy?
I am in the process of letting go of my "manic mistakes."
This one isn't easy.
I am letting go of what might have been. Of how I could have acted differently that possibly wouldn't have hurt people I loved. Including me. I don't know how long this one will take. I don't know when I will be able to let go of what might have been, but I'm working on it every day.
This letting go has a lot to do with forgiveness. Forgiving myself for something that I didn't entirely have control over. Mania can drive us to do things we regret. Things that can't be taken back. Things that can't be fixed. I have done many of them.
If we take our pills, chances are we can eliminate the behaviors that lead to the necessity of letting go of regrets. If we take our pills, chances are we won't spend eons of time manic, mixed, or depressed.
We can live in the present; and let go of the past.
Letting go feels pretty damn good.
What do you want to or need to let go of?
Until next time...