Bipolar First Aid Kit

Crazy pill count:
AM 10 Adderall, 20 Prozac, 5 Zyprexa
afternoon 10 Adderall, 5 Zyprexa
PM 10 Zyprexa, 30 Prozac

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Are you ever afraid of your bipolar disorder becoming unmanageable?

This is a tricky question.
The simple answer is no.
The complicated answer is yes.

I'll elaborate a bit...

If I were answering this question last week, the answer would have been a more simple one. I would have said my bipolar disorder is managed fairly well.  Not perfectly, as I still experience episodes with the best of them, but looking back over the last year I have only had moderate episodes that responded well to treatment. I also have spent more and more time "normal" in between these episodes.

But that was before this ruthless and stubborn depression.
Answering this question, today, is a bit more tricky.

Swimming in darkness, or more like drowning in darkness, is scary shit.

It's scary to swallow pill after pill and not feel any better.  It's scary to be asked the question, Would you rather feel better or be dead? and have the answer undoubtedly be dead. It's scary to have the do-I-need-to-go-to-the-hospital conversation with yourself. It's scary to write suicide notes.

It's as scary as scary can be that all this can happen, in less than twenty-four hours, with no precursor or warning. Sometimes we get blindsided, and I would be lying if I said I'm not afraid of that.

Before last week, I would have said that having a plan in place lessons fears.  I take crazy pills several times a day and see Dr. Crazy regularly. But today I have to face the fact that sometimes those pills don't work right away, and sometimes Dr. Crazy doesn't answer the phone right away.

I've had enough experience with these bipolar schenanigans that I know the darkness won't last forever; but having that knowledge doesn't make it any less dark.

The second part of the answer is that one day Dr. Crazy will retire.  This scares the shit out of me, to put it mildly. Having a good doctor is an essential item in my Bipolar First Aid Kit.

Wondering what's in my Bipolar First Aid kit?
Thirteen must have items.

1.

{Zyprexa Zydis} 

They melt in your mouth and taste like pez with a nice band aid aftertaste.

2.

{Kleenex}

3.

{cigarettes} (sorry hubs)

4.

{Prozac or current favorite SSRI}

5.

{Symbyax}

6.
{Ativan}

7.

{jasmine tea}

8.

{bubble bath}

9.

{Dr. Crazy's phone number}

10.

{suicide helpline phone number}

11.

{"I am strong" socks}

12.

{a copy of The Joy of Being Bipolar: Everyday moods that destroy your day}

13.

{Quick access to 40 Reasons to Live}

What about you? 

What's in your Bipolar First Aid Kit? 

I'm happy to report The Joy of Being Bipolar: Everyday moods that destroy your day now comes with a Bipolar First Aid Kit! Safety first, folks. 

Until next time...