The Black Hole of Depression

Crazy pill count:
AM 125 Nuvigil, 20 Adderall
afternoon 10 Adderall
PM 20 Zyprexa, 40 Prozac

A post brought to you by The Topic Request Survey.
What are the raw emotions and unique thoughts you or people with bipolar have, verses just being bummed out or elated/energetic?

I realize this blog has not been very uplifting the past few days, and I sincerely apologize for that. I always hope to pass on the silver lining of bipolar disorder, but the truth is, occasionally that silver lining is hard to detect.

I am choosing, now, to talk about the raw emotions of bipolar disorder, not because I feel like destroying your will to live with my negativity, which I might, but because I am in a dark place, and once the darkness passes, which it will, it's hard to recall how dark it was. I am thankful for that, but because of it, it's hard to describe the raw emotions unless they are currently raw.

I meant it when I promised to honor your questions, so here it goes...

Depression has an intense strength. It's not exactly a hollow feeling, but there is a sensation of a sort of void. There is a place in my core and gut that aches. It throbs. It's a sucking hopelessness that pulls me inward. It feels as if my organs have been replaced with a black hole.

It's like being caught in an undertow. You try to catch your breath before the next wave crashes upon your head, before you lose your bearings again, and the sight of the shore, but you keep getting sucked under, with a force that is not in your control. It's disorienting. What's up? What's down? Where is a stable piece of ground to grip onto?

This force, this undertow, this black hole, can't be stopped or lessened. I would scream, but I don't have the strength. My body feels still despite this sucking.  There is a calm that accompanies it. Not the kind of calm that brings comfort, but the kind of calm that paralyzes my limbs. I don't have the energy to fight. I can't muster the strength to swim towards the vanishing shore.

It feels helpless. Utterly helpless. No strength. No control. No way to change direction. No gravity to hold me to the earth.

My breath catches in my chest. There is a heavy aching behind my eyes. Tears fall. The kind of tears that convulse my whole body. The kind of tears that are so deep, they don't make a sound.

There is no feeling except simple hopelessness. I lose all sense of time. I can't remember what it feels like to be happy or "normal." I can't recall anything before the aching started. There are no feelings left other than the relentless sucking. It feels like it will not, cannot, ever dissipate. It is an empty, hopeless absolution.

All my strength is being used just to breathe, and that breathing feels like far too much work. There is an overwhelming desire to surrender. To give up. To throw out the white flags. To let the force suck my last breath straight from my lungs. Anything to stop fighting. Anything to stop the pulling and dizzy tumbling into the black void.

That, my friends, is what my depression feels like.
I hope that was helpful in answering your question.

However, once this blackness is gone, it is impossible to really, truly recall it.
That's the silver lining.

There is light again, and with it I can breathe easy. I can smile. I can't remember what it feels like to want to give up, because my heart is full of so much of life's beauty.

Don't you ever go and give up either. Ever. No matter how strong the desire, because that beauty is always there waiting for us. Especially when we are certain it isn't.

Until next time...