AM 10 Adderall, 5 Zyprexa, 20 Prozac
afternoon 10 Adderall, 30 Geodon
PM 60 Geodon
A post brought to you by The Topic Request Survey.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years or 30 years?
This is the type of question that has always put me into serious fight or flight mode. I have never excelled at "future" questions like this one. Even as a little girl, the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" worried me. As a teenager, that question caused me to hyperventilate. In my 20's, that question is what lead me down the path of having ten majors.
As a small child, I remember wanting to be a librarian because they used that super awesome, light tipped wand to scan the books. It seemed like a pretty solid thing to base my future on. How could I ever tire of scanning books with that magic wand?
In preschool we were asked to draw a picture of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I didn't know how to draw a librarian, so I drew a mountain climber. Sure I had never seen a mountain before, or even thought about mountain climbing, but I did know how to draw a mountain. I was only four at the time, but I distinctly remember sitting at the dinner table the night I brought my drawing home trying to explain to my giggling family that I didn't really want to be a mountain climber. "Honey, you don't have to be embarrassed," my mother said. "It's okay if you want to be a mountain climber."
This is not my drawing but it looked a lot like this:
If only I could have drawn this:
But was it okay? I learned that night, that question mattered to people; and I was expected to have a good answer. From that point on I answered, "A mom." People seemed satisfied with that answer and so I stuck with it.
But what about now? I'm (almost) thirty-three.
Does that mean I'm grown up? Most people would probably say yes.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? That's a damn good question. Your guess is as good as mine. I probably won't be a librarian by then either, and as far as motherhood goes, I really don't know. If I'm going to be honest, I worry about both my bipolar genetics and taking crazy pills during pregnancy. I talk about that here.
Where do I see myself in 30 years?
That's an even better question.
As much as I promised to honor your questions, for this one I really don't have an answer. But I do know, life keeps getting better, even despite turning suicidal, like clockwork, once a year. That, I have learned, is simply part of my bipolar terrain. My 30's have been far better than my 20's, and I have a hunch it's only going to keep getting better.
I may not climb Everest, I'm actually certain I won't climb Everest, but I'm sure there will be no lack of adventure. My bipolar nature will, no doubt, keep me climbing up and down.
Little did I know, when I was four, I would grow up to be a mountain climber. Maybe not by choice, but by chance, by an unlucky spin of the genetic wheel, I am a mountain climber. Sure the air is thinner up here, the elements harsher, and there's the risk of altitude sickness, but, man, am I thankful it's closer to the stars.
Until next time...