AM 20 Adderall, 100 Lyrica
afternoon 20 Adderall, 10 Zyprexa, 100 Lyrica
PM 100 Lyrica
Last night I sat in the dark for hours and cried. I know how pathetic that sounds but it's my truth. It started out as a basic case of my Father's Day blues. Yesterday was my 21st Father's Day without my dad. You'd think twenty years would be sufficient for sadness, but it's a kind pain that never completely goes away and shows up like clockwork.
Soon my sadness took on a life of it's own and I cried for all of my losses. Loss is funny like that. The sadness of one loss brings on the pain of all of them collectively. I hadn't cried that hard in a long time.
Tears can be good. Although it's never fun to cry, especially when you hit the two hour mark, it can be the ultimate release of all those icky feelings - of pain that otherwise stays tucked deep inside, lurking, waiting for that one trigger to set them free. Father's Day was my trigger.
What's the lesson?
I don't know if there really is one.
Some things in life just hurt, and they hurt indefinitely, but giving ourselves the permission to sit in the dark, and indulge them, on occasion, can be freeing. I'm not recommending sitting in the dark crying every night, nor am I wishing for it, but at times tears can be good.
It's natural in our culture to want to hide our tears. To try to be a "big girl." To try to "brush it off." When we cry it makes others uncomfortable. No one wants to see anyone in pain. But some things are painful - tis' life, my friends.
If you need to sit in the dark and cry...go ahead...and don't feel ashamed about it. It's not really pathetic. I promise. However, if you are crying in the dark every night, that's a good indication to call your doctor. Sure life hurts sometimes, but it shouldn't hurt that much all the time.
I remember the year I cried a minimum of once a day. Yeah, it was a great year. One for the books. I thought crying everyday was normal. I really did. I assumed everyone cried every day. But they don't. And I hope you're not. If you are, don't just buy stock in Kleenex, call your doctor. There are crazy pills that can help.
Hey, crazy pills, remember those? I haven't talked about crazy pills in a long time. I'll let you in on a secret. If tears are good, crazy pills are even better.
Let yourself cry - but then call your doctor.
Sniffle sniffle...swallow a pill...tears won't fall forever...
Until next time...
P.S. Happy Father's Day, Daddy.