AM 10 Adderall, 2.5 Zyprexa, 200 Lamictal, 30 Cymbalta, .5 Ativan
afternoon 10 Adderall, 2.5 Zyprexa
PM 2.5 Zyprexa
A post brought to you by The 200th Post Topic Request Survey.
Benefits of being crazy
This is a tough request and a tough post to write as bipolar disorder can feel like a curse. But I promised to honor your questions...so here it goes...
Being crazy is tough. Bipolar disorder is tough. It's living more than just an up and down life. It's more than just a sea-saw or a tipping scale. It's bouncing between drowning and soaring. It's bouncing between not being able to catch our breath, and not being able to tether our feet to the ground.
Hot Air Balloon by Paul Eric Roca
I like to think of it as being in a hot air balloon. I'm up, up, up, so high I am consumed with awe and for the beauty of the world. I'm so high the ground and reality is nothing but patchwork. The world is divided evenly between lines, color, and space.
But then a bird shits on my balloon and it takes it down. That's all it takes a times - a bit of bird shit. It doesn't make sense that bird shit can take down a hot air balloon, but these ups and downs are fragile. The fragility of our moods is dependant on chemicals, neurotransmitters, and our brain.
So anyway, there's the bird shit and suddenly my balloon is popped. I'm descending with intense inertia and I can't stop it. There is no parachute.
My falling suddenly has me drifted over the ocean and soon I'm immersed in water. There is a hurricane, a cyclone, a typhoon, and it's high tide. Suddenly I'm swallowed by the angry sea and I can't remember how to swim.
That's the up and down life that's so much more than a simple up and down life.
So that sounds pretty scary and sucky. And it is. So where do the benefits come in?
No one wants to drown; but being in a hot air balloon feels like a gift. To soar higher and higher above the harsh realities and consequences that inhibit the Earth feels like a gift. These times are full of immense possibilities. Creativity is at it's finest and most potent. This truly can feel like a gift. My thoughts swim in my head. No drowning here - my thoughts glide with synchronized swimmers and I am baffled by the beauty of it. To say I am happy is an understatement. I am one-thousand-and-thirty steps beyond happy. These times can feel not like a curse, but life's greatest gift. I'd by lying is I said otherwise.
Perhaps the energy, joy, and creativity of a mania is a benefit - if I have to speak of benefits of being crazy. I believe the world is sharper to us crazies. The degree of our moods, and therefore emotions, are perhaps deeper, fuller, and maybe even make life more rich.
We experience and respond to the world in a different way - with more intensity and more contrast. Is intensity and contrast good? Is it a benefit? I'm not sure.
We are also pretty damn strong. We may not feel strong, especially when depressed, but we are. It takes strength to navigate an intense crazy life. I think this strength can translate into life when we're not having an episode. The glorious times that we are "normal" or "balanced" we have strength that can carry us through the not glorious parts of life.
We have experienced some of the worst life has to offer and survived.
We are survivors.
I Am A Survivor by Cynda LuClair
Even though we can feel, oh so weak, during a depression, the strength and courage required to make it through is not to be underestimated.
So the possible benefits?
*The ability to experience the world more intensely
What do you think?
Are there benefits?
Until next time...