AM 2.5 Zyprexa, 200 Lamictal, 60 Cymbalta, .5 Ativan
afternoon .5 Ativan
PM 5 Zyprexa, 1 Ativan
A post brought to you by The You're Awesome Topic Request Survey:
Acceptance not just of diagnosis but a fact of living day to day, survival of the lows, having a relationship...scared to meet or let someone into this crazy.
Acceptance of living day to day with bipolar disorder:
To me, this is even trickier than accepting the diagnosis of bipolar disorder because it is living that diagnosis every doggone day.
There is a lot of judgement that can go along with living the day to day with bipolar disorder. As least there is for me.
Why can't I get out of bed like everyone else?
Why can't I go to work like everyone else?
Why don't I care about anything?
Why can't I quit crying?
Why is the simple act of breathing and staying alive so much work?
Why do I hate everything?
Why does everyone make me so goddamn mad?
Why does everything make me so goddamn mad?
Why can't I hold it together like everyone else?
Maybe you have felt this way too? Can you see all of the judgment in those sentences? It's easy for me to turn to a place of judgement when dealing with my own illness. I can get caught up in this nasty place. Maybe you do too?
I left out mania for a very good reason. Mania is so up in the clouds there are no consequences or judgements. It is a free for all. Happiness all around. Free smiles for everyone.
With a mania, the judgment comes in the aftermath:
How could I have spent that much money?
How could I have said that?
I did what?!?!
So what in Zeus's name do we do about this?
How do we accept this and live it day to day?
First things first, we need to drop those nasty judgements. If we're having a hard day, well, then we're having a hard day. End of story.
The judgements only make us feel worse. They serve no productive purpose, and believe it or not, I think combating this problem might actually have an easier answer than we think:
We need to be our own cheerleader.
We need to care about ourselves and living successfully so much we would scream, dance, jump and shout for ourselves regardless of the score. Cheerleaders don't quit cheering when their team is losing, and they sure as hell don't quit cheering when the game has gone into overtime.
Some days are going to be hard. They just are. And deciding to be your own cheerleader is accepting that no matter how hard the day is, you deserve to have someone on your side. Because, by golly, you do. Boy, do you ever deserve a cheering squad. And there is no one better suited for the job than you.
A dear friend (Hi Sarah!) made this cheerleader for me. I was so touched.
"Oh, we were just saying I needed a cheerleader and you made me one!"
"No," she said sternly. "We said you needed to be your own cheerleader!
Meet your cheerleader. It's you."
It was in that moment I realized I needed to fire myself from the defensive line once and for all and try out for head cheerleader instead. I hate football anyway - what the hell was I doing on the football team?
Are you hard on yourself too?If you are...
Quit the defensive line.
Try out for head cheerleader.
Rock that audition.
Accept the position.
Cheer your heart out.
Acceptance of the day to day?
Cheer through it, my friends, just keep cheering...
Part Three (Acceptance and survival of the lows) coming soon.
Until next time...