Sunday, November 18, 2012

Acceptance Part III

Crazy pill count:
AM 5 Zyprexa, 60 Cymbalta, .5 Ativan
afternoon .5 Ativan
PM 5 Zyprexa, 300 Lamictal XR, .5 Ativan

I was able to squeak in one more post before departing for my trip!
Acceptance not just of diagnosis, but a fact of living day to day, survival of the lows, having a relationship...scared to meet or let someone into this crazy.

{Part One}
{Part Two}

{Part Three}
Acceptance of the survival of the lows:
Just like part one and part two this one is tricky. Who the hell wants to accept the lows? That just sounds stupid. Lows are the worst. Absolute worst.

No way am I accepting being sucked into a black hole. I refuse to accept longing for nothing but to fade away - praying not to wake up - wishing for nothing but to finally stop breathing once and for all. Does that sound at all familiar?

I have a two part contradicting answer. 

Sweet friends, part of bipolar disorder is accepting the bad with the good. The balanced with the not so balanced. The darkness with the light. I have talked about the darkness a lot because it is such a big and common part of bipolar disorder.

I know it's not easy to accept the lows. I know you may want to dig your heels into the ground and yell fuck you. And you can if it will make you feel better, but my guess is it won't. Because those little, pesky, asshole neurotransmitters of ours are out of balance and that's why we are feeling so low. If we can accept that sometimes, damn it, sometimes, we are going to feel low, it is easier to survive.

Which brings me to the next and contradicting part of the answer.

Don't you accept those lows. Don't you dare accept feeling like shit. Call your doctor. Take your crazy pills. Try new a new treatment if your current treatment plan isn't working. Modern medicine is amazing and it is a gift. Accept it. We don't have to feel like shit anymore. So, please lets not.

Wow, that's confusing. Accept it, don't accept it...what am I saying?

I didn't completely answer your question either.
I didn't talk about the surviving part - the most important part.

Hopefully you know from experience it will pass. It always does. The darkness will not, can not last forever. That kind of deep pain can not sustain. Our job is to hang on and wait it out. Please do. I am saying be gentle with yourself during the lows. Reach out to others when you feel you can no longer stand alone.

You are worth feeling good.
You deserve to feel good.
You can feel good.
Your job - you're very important job - is to not give up.

You are strong. I promise you.
You can survive any low, any darkness, any despair, once you accept that you can.

With acceptance:

Part Four (Acceptance of meeting and letting someone into the crazy) coming soon.

Until next time...

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