Thursday, November 29, 2012

The Grand Entrance of the Sun

Crazy pill count:
AM 5 Zyprexa, 60 Cymbalta, .5 Ativan
afternoon .5 Ativan
PM 5 Zyprexa, 300 Lamictal XR, .5 Ativan

Acceptance Part IV still to come...

Tulum, Mexico

Guess who got depressed on vacation again?
Ding, ding, ding, are correct...yours truly.

But this time it was much different than my experience of being depressed in Greece.

The hubs and I spent ten days in Tulum, Mexico, a relatively remote and untouched non touristy area without a single magnet and t-shirt shop, where virtually no one speaks English, with the most beautiful beach I have ever seen, and sunrises so beautiful I couldn't even have imagined them ahead of time had I tried.

I thought I was prepared for this trip. I remembered my international outlet converter, my cell phone charger, and my actual cell phone. I downloaded a Spanish translator app, and I was armed with extra crazy pills "just in case."

I knew most people would not speak English in this area of Mexico, I knew to ask the taxi drivers "cuanto" (how much?) before getting into the car. I knew not to drink the water, order drinks with ice, or eat from street vendors. What else did I need to know? What surprise was I not prepared for? 

Ends up a couple of really big ones.

My deep, dark, blackest of black depression was my first surprise. I was expecting the possibility of a mild up or down swing, but nothing of this magnitude. No biggie - call Dr. Crazy, right?


The next surprise was that the two resorts we stayed at didn't have phones. The third surprise? I didn't have enough cell service to hold a call. I did have enough service to send Dr. Crazy a text message, but they only went through part of the time, and the ones he sent me often didn't come through until a day later.

I felt out of my mind crazy, helpless, beyond help, and half the time I was essentially on my own.

I have a pretty good grip on my current crazy pills - meaning when to take an extra what. But the problem was how much was enough to get the situation resolved, or at the very least under control, and how much was too much? 

Not enough and I'm stuck batshit crazy and the situation could become dangerous. Not to mention I felt terrible thinking I was ruining vacation for the hubs. But too much could just as easily be a disaster. It's a very fragile balancing act I'm not qualified to decipher.

So what in the Tulum was I suppose to do? 
I had no freakin' clue. But I'll tell you what I did do.

I guessed a lot. I guessed as well as I could which crazy pills and how much to take when Dr. Crazy and I couldn't communicate.

I cried a lot. I napped in the sun a lot. I laid in hammocks, slept in hammocks, wrote in hammocks, and cried in hammocks. I laid at the beach and allowed myself to do nothing but get lost in the crashing rhythm of the waves.

I'm not going to lie...I was out right miserable days four through eight. But I tried to take this time to be gentle with myself. No TV, no radio, no phone, no facebook, no blogging, no words with friends...ten days of rest.

But I was still in a place I knew I may never be again, so I tried my damnedest to keep the hell going. The hubs and I left the beach and went into town where practically no one spoke any English and played a game of charades to find an ATM machine. We at delicious "locals food" that made us both sick. We explored the Mayan Ruins, and snorkeled at the Gran Cenote.

I learned a lot of things:

* Sometimes experiencing a local flavor is worth a bellyache.
* Exploring an area with a language barrier can turn a simple task into a grand adventure.
* During an emergency (not being able to communicate with Dr. Crazy during an episode) I might be lucky enough to make it through okay. (at least this time I was)

But I also learned something disheartening:

* Perhaps I can't travel anywhere in the world. As much as I want to tell you and believe being bipolar doesn't put any limitations on life, it does.
* I learned I can only travel to places that either have phones or where I can get cell service. That just may be my kicks of being a crazy kid.

Is it disappointing? Of course.
Does it suck? You bet.
But it's all part of that acceptance we've been talking about.

But I was given an important reminder too.

Every morning I watched the sunrise. 
It helped. It really did. It became my favorite part of the day.
From 5:30 to 7:00 I quietly sat, alone, witnessing 
one of Mother Nature's most spectacular shows. 

And I was given the reassuring, daily, reminder 
that the sun will always rise,
and there is beauty, even in the darkest of storm clouds.

Until next time...

P.S. On a lighter note, I encourage you to Click Here to read about our experience with our very own, personal, Vacation Outhouse! It might give you a smile.


  1. You take awesome photos! :) I'm glad you were OK in the end... :) Lack of signal sucks, hey?

    I've had an interesting few days too- My psychistrist took 1 look at me at yesterday's appt and said "Have you heard of Seroquel? I'm hoping it'll level you out". I know we are all different, but thanks to your Seroquel posts, I'm not so scared about taking it(I'm hoping the small dose doesn't cause weight gain as I can't afford to put anymore on for medical reasons). I also hope it works as I'm very sensitive to any type of med(meaning I need a hefty dose for anything to happen). Wish me luck!

    1. Good luck, J! You have no idea how happy I am that you are taking a leap of faith in trying out a new pill. I'm so touched that I was able to help in that process in a small way. Big hug on your new journey.

  2. Everywhere you go, there you are. F**k.
    Hey, Honey, you were happy half the time you were away in your funky paradise. And you learned lessons from the crappy ass times. And oh, you saw those magnificent sunrises everyday, on the bad ones and the good ones. You rocked half that holiday, Babe ! And you survived an outhouse in Mexico ! You are one strong, brave, crazy chick ! Love to you !

    1. You are so right!!!! Thanks for the cheers and snaps!