AM 250 Nuvigil
PM 10 Zyprexa, 20 Prozac
Swamp Monster by Linda M. Billson
Mushy mush mush. That is me today.
My mind is mushy, not unlike trudging through a swamp. You can't see through the water and it is squishy. Man is it squishy. It's a bit creepy if you let your mind wander to what might be lurking beneath the surface. Beneath your squishy feet.
It's uncomfortable. Anything swampy could be underneath. Like snakes, or flesh eating bacteria, or a napping alligator. The ground is unstable. Any of your next steps could be the step the leads you into a sinking pit. You could find yourself no longer up to your ankles in mush, but instead up to your knees. Your hips. Your waist. You could go all the way under for all you know.
I had a session with Dr. Crazy this afternoon. We explored my mushy mind as walking through a swamp. My mind is not only mushy today, but also blank. I couldn't think of answers to Dr. Crazy's simple questions. My mind preferred to be blank. It's not what I prefer and so I fought it with crankiness. Maybe you do too?
He asked me, "Why are you so frustrated?"
"Because it's so frustrating to have a blank, mushy mind!" I raised my voice in disgust.
"Why?" he asked.
"I don't know. Because it is. It's uncomfortable to feel this way!"
That's when he brought up the swamp.
The discomfort of walking through a swamp.
"If you are mushy and blank, then let's just be mushy and blank for a minute," he suggested.
And so we were.
We sat in silence.
He stared at me.
I stared back.
Then something incredible happened.
What a relief. What a Zeus damn freakin' relief to not fight. To. Just. Be. Blank.
The thing is, sometimes the louder we are, the harder it is to hear the way.
Those weren't Dr. Crazy's exact words, but it's the way my mushy mind remembers them.
Hot cross buns he's right.
Sometimes we are clear - our mind is sharp and our words obvious. Other times we are mush.
Perhaps it's the fighting the mush, and not actually the mush that is difficult.
Perhaps, some days we just need to surrender to the Swamp Monster, and the murky water. She doesn't look so bad.
Murky Water by Marley
Until next time...