Saturday, January 26, 2013

I'm Calling Bullshit

Crazy pill count:
AM .5 Ativan, 5 Zyprexa, 90 Cymbalta, 2.5 Abilify, 10 Viibryd
afternoon .5 Ativan
PM .5 Ativan, 10 Zyprexa

A little over a week after posting about finally feeling "myself," again, I get to post about the frustration of not feeling "myself" and it's a real doggone shame. But guess what, friends? Those are the kicks of bipolar disorder.

My anxiety is back full force and the black moods are sneaking their way in no matter how many lamps I turn on. So damn frustrating. Seriously, I have three lamps turned on right now.

I've been hanging these posters all around town.
I'm offering a one zillion dollar reward!
Let me know if my sanity shows up around your neighborhood.

Okay, fine, not really, but it seems like a pretty good idea if you ask me. Wouldn't it be great if it were that easy? Wouldn't it be great if anything about being crazy were easy? But unfortunately, it's just not...easy. Somewhere in the creation of existence, when some genius decided to create bipolar disorder they forgot the easy button.

I'm calling the bullshit button on bipolar disorder today. 
That's right. Bullshit.
I'll clarify.

This was a Post Secret Sunday Secret a while ago:

I talk about crazy pills a lot. They saved my life and I will always be grateful and compliant. I love my crazy pills. I hope you will be willing to experiment with crazy pills and be compliant too. But that doesn't change the disheartening truth of this Sunday Secret.

Without those crazy pills, without those scribbled words and symbols on a prescription pad, my sanity is out the window and I'm hanging up fliers on telephone poles offering a zillion dollar reward. I would be lying if I said this isn't a scary reality of crazy pills and bipolar disorder.

And so, I'm calling it: bullshit.

Today, in this moment, I'm mad at bipolar disorder. I'm mad at my neurotransmitters. I'm exhausted of the endless cycling.

Today, in this moment, I'm not practicing graceful acceptance of this mental illness. I am practicing anger. And it's okay. If you feel this way, it's okay too. Acceptance is not a neat,  pretty, manicured, and straight road. And sometimes, some days, we take a few steps back. Some days we might even move a few street lights, a few blocks, or even a whole neighborhood backwards.

What do we do about it?
What do we do when we have gotten so good at living with grace and then suddenly we're pounding on the bullshit button?

We do just that. We smash the shit out of the bullshit button. Okay, not really. I'm not recommending violence, here. But what I mean is we allow ourselves to sit with our anger. It's okay to be angry or whatever emotion the situation evokes. Feelings are meant to be noticed and not judged.

So notice.
Honor those feelings.
I know they don't feel good, but in time, grace will return.
I promise.

Be gentle with yourself and know, regardless of how you feel about the circumstance of the chemicals of your brain today, you are ultimately okay - Fabulous actually - with a capital F. There is nothing wrong with you; your neurotransmitters are just a bunch of little assholes. So are mine. Those are just the kicks of bipolar disorder.

It's not easy, and there's no easy button, but we can get through it.
For this I am certain. After all, think of everything we already have made it through. Besides we're armed with a bullshit button...

Until next time...


  1. The best thing I learned at Garrison last summer was to be ok with being angry with some of what we have been handed and to sit with it instead of constantly trying to banish it and using up our resources in that effort. Bravo for this piece.

    1. Thanks, Sharon. The sitting part isn't easy, but is indeed necessary. Fighting it uses too many precious resources! Big hug!

  2. Yes. Mental illness just plain sucks.
    I am sorry you have this sucky disorder.
    I wish I could fix it for you, and me and all of us that suffer with this crappy ass stuff that is dealable but not fixable.
    I understand your anger and share it.
    I think it is cool that
    Dammit I'm Mad is Dammit I'm mad backwards.
    I love ya.
    And I know you will make it through, Brave One.
    Hugs !

    1. big Big BIg BIG HUG for you! Love you and all your gracious support.

    Never forget: you are awesome! :)