Crazy pill count:
AM .5 Ativan, 30 Cymbalta
afternoon .5 Ativan, 60 Cymbalta
PM 20 Zyprexa, .5 Ativan
A post brought to you by The You're Awesome Topic Request Survey.
Do you believe that it's possible for recovery, or to really be balanced? I ask because I'm not sure I'll ever wake up not wishing I hadn't, or even learn to live with it.
My sweet darling friends, this is a very difficult request to answer because I know very well what those questions feel like:
Will I ever recover?
Can I ever really be balanced?
Is it possible to learn to live with this?
I also know very well what it feels like to wake up wishing you hadn't.
It feels like this very morning:
Through all of the faces, the tears, the darkness, and those difficult questions you asked the answer is, "yes." I know it doesn't always feel like "yes," and I know damn well those pictures sure as hell don't make it look like "yes," but it is. Truly.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Recovery is possible.
Balance is possible.
Waking up not wishing you hadn't is possible.
Learning to live with it is possible.
I will elaborate.
I'm not entirely sure what recovery means to you. Does it mean we will never have another bipolar episode ever again? If it does...then where do I sign up?! If that is what you mean I will have to change my answer to "I don't know." I'm not a doctor, and I don't know if that really is a realistic reality of our illness.
But if recovery means living life, successfully, the way we want, most of the time, with a minor episode, occasionally, here or there, that doesn't devastate our lives, then, "yes."
Dr. Crazy has me focus on my recovery in terms of the time between my episodes lengthening, the severity of them decreasing, and that they don't stick around as long when they show up. He says that is a sign of recovery.
What do I say to Dr. Crazy's definition of recovery? I'll take it.
You asked, "Can I ever really be balanced?" Again, what does balance mean to you?
Does it mean no more crazy episodes ever?
Does it mean no more depression?
No more mania?
No more mixed episodes?
No more getting the word "balance" tattooed on my ass? (still regretting those two manias)
I'm sorry to say, "I don't know," again, but I don't.
Friends, I think we will always be more prone to "moods." But I think it is possible for them to be milder, less bothersome, and not interfere with our daily lives - more of an inconvenience rather than a destructive storm.
There is something I have to say that you may not want to hear. I really believe recovery and balance are only possible with crazy pills. What? Who me? Talking about crazy pills? Damn straight. Because I care about you and want you to feel good.
Our problem is not a simple problem of moods. It is complex problem of chemicals. And we need those crazy pills to fix our neurotransmitters so that we can experience life as normal as possible. They are our best shot. Truthfully.
Recovery of our lives is possible through balancing our chemicals. We're not always going to get it right, by the way, and it's going to be frustrating. Maybe even downright maddening. But I promise you it won't be worse than wishing you hadn't woken up.
Doctors are here to be on our team, and I'm going to be honest, we need them. Their job is to help, and our job is to let them. They can help us navigate through the dark, give us tools, support, and talk us off the ledge. That's a really important job and they are up for it. They are a gift that you are worth receiving.
Learning to live with it
Learning to live with bipolar disorder is hard. I won't sugar coat it. I won't pretend it's easy. Some days I live with it gracefully, I do. And other days, well, see photos above. But it's a lot easier to live with when you take your pills and see your doctor.
But let me tell you, we can live with this.
I wouldn't lie to you.
I haven't yet, and I'm not going to start now.
Waking up in the dark
You woke up. Damn, you wish you hadn't.
You may be stuck in the dark. Heck, so am I today.
But that is just today. It does not last forever. I promise.
And even though we woke up feeling lost in the dark today, we still have a light inside us that is so great, and so bright, it is astonishing. We can't put it out.
No, Sir. Not ever.
And certainly, not today.
A lot of people care about you. Especially me.
I took ugly crying pictures for you, people. That should clear up how much I care about you. I did it because I need you to know that you are not in this alone. I have been there before, I was there this very morning, and I'm sure I will be there again. You are never fighting the darkness alone.
But, please, gather an army. Round up a doctor, a support group, a handful of crazy pills...whatever it takes. Because this worlds needs you. And with that army comes a chance of recovery and balance.
Until next time...