AM 2 Ativan, 90 Cymbalta, 10 Viibryd, 5 Zyprexa, 50 Lamictal
afternoon 1.5 Ativan
PM 2 Ativan, 50 Topamax
Yesterday just wasn't a very good day. I had the grand pleasure of experiencing akathesia again. For the fourth time now, and this time the culprit was Seroquel. I also got hives again, as well, even on my preventive Zyrtec/Benadryl witches brew. It seems as if lately my body has turned on me. I mean, even Twitch is back. It feels like my body is denying me the treatment I need in the time I need it most. Crazy pills sure can be a nuisance. But even so, a mandatory nuisance. Please don't forget the mandatory part.
Also, don't let my recent tortuous experiences with akathesia shy you away from Geodon, Abilify, or Seorquel. They are all great drugs that are just not currently agreeing with me. It does not mean you will have a similar experience. They could be wonderfully helpful for you.
Along with my obnoxious physical intolerances my raincloud showed up again - the little bastard.
When I spoke with Dr. Crazy on the phone and I told him I was feeling depressed again he asked me "which kind" of depression I was experiencing. We bipolar kids know all too well there are more versions of depression than ways to alter a drink at Starbucks.
I told him it wasn't the deep, dark, black kind. It wasn't the suicidal kind. It was the "I-don't-care-about-anything-kind." I don't want to get dressed, or leave the house, or eat, or talk to people, or do anything but stare at the wall. The idea of doing anything sounds horrible.
He gave me one of my favorite of his pep talks and it even relates a bit to what I talked about in this post concerning skipping parties.
He told me to be gentle with myself. He said it's not a matter of making yourself leave the house so you'll feel better. You can't will power yourself into feeling better because we are working with biology. Just the same as you can't will power a broken foot to heal by insisting on walking on it.
If you don't want to get dressed - don't. If you want to lay on the couch and read for twenty minutes - do. Then if you feel like taking a shower - take one. If you want to go back to the couch and close your eyes - that's what you should do.
Try not to get frustrated and mad at yourself for how you feel.
These are hard times, but theses are gentle times.
So treat yourself gently and with kindness.
By golly, this man sure is smart.
Sometimes a raincloud just needs a little time to rest and heal.
Do you know what else this means? It goes for you too. Of course sometimes we have to go to work, or feed the children, or walk the dog. But sometimes we can call in the reinforcements to help do those things for us while our biology "heals."
If by any chance you have found yourself feeling this way too:
That's an order from Dr. Crazy...