AM .5 Ativan, 60 Cymbalta, 25 Lamictal
afternoon .5 Ativan
PM 1 Ativan, 5 Zyprexa, 30 Cymbalta
What do you think about hope?
Do you think it's ever necessary to give up?
My sweet, sweet friends, this is such a tough concept - hope.
I have lost hope many times. If you have ever lost hope, deep in my heart, I know what that feels like. I honestly do.
I have sat, with tears dripping off my quivering lips, with a razor blade in my hand, shouting out to a God I'm not even sure I believe in, to give me the strength to make a deep enough cut, more times than I care to come to terms with.
In those kinds of moments, to lose hope is literally to lose everything. Pain of that magnitude tricks you into thinking hope will never, can never return. But it will. And it does.
Is it ever necessary to give up? No, my friends. It is necessary not to give up because we still want to be here when hope, as promised, returns. Suicide is not a good solution, people. It's a permanent condition to a temporary problem. A very wise friend told me that once and it is true.
I refuse to sit here and pretend that finding hope, when it's lost, is some kind of easy - because it's not. You're not going to find it like change and crumbs in the cracks of the couch. But I will sit here and tell you, pound into your head even, that you are hope.
I don't know. But it will. You just have to trust me.
Our job is to have hope that it will.
Have hope about lost hope?
That doesn't even make sense.
But the things deepest in our hearts often don't make sense. And it's not important to question them. Where did they come from? How did they get there?
Doesn't matter. None of it. Who cares?
All that matters is that we feel them. And when we fill our hearts with this hot damn beautiful world I'm talking about, it gets filled with hope.
And when we have hope, we have close to everything.
So don't you dare give up.
Your very important job is to be you - glorious, beautiful you.
You make the world more beautiful by being you, and create hope in our world simply by breathing and being awesome.
How's that? You're so awesome all you have to do is breathe and you make carbon dioxide for flowers and trees. Don't you dare tell me you're going to quit that job. Suddenly you're in the business of denying innocent flowers the breath of life? I didn't think so.
This world needs the one and only, glorious, beautiful you.
When hope is lost, look for it in your heart.
If it's not there, fill it with beauty and it will appear.
Don't ever give up.
Call your doctor.
Reach out to means of support when you feel your hope and strength vanishing.
Take your pills.
Flowers and trees need all the carbon dioxide they can get - so keep breathing.
Keep filling your heart with beauty...
And keep going, keep going, keep going...
Just keep the hell going, friends...I'm right here going with you...
Until next time...