AM 200 Lamictal, 30 Cymbalta, 5 Zyprexa, 20 Adderall
afternoon 20 Adderall, 1 Ativan
PM 200 Lamictal, 5 Zyprexa, 1 Ativan
I have shared quite a few pictures of myself in distress on this blog.
You know, ugly crying pictures.
As hard as it was for me to expose such an unflattering and vulnerable side of myself, I did it because of my deep desire for you to feel understood and not alone in your own pain. I also shared some manic and mixed pictures in my little two minute video, "The Faces of Bipolar Disorder."
What I realized this morning is that I don't think I have ever posted a picture of real joy.
Even when we are crazy we still experience joy. We still have many moments and times of having an authentically joyful life. It can certainly be easy to forget on bad days, which is why, today, I am posting joy.
It is reminder for those really dark days when we have forgotten what the sun feels like warming our shoulders, no matter how hard we try to remember.
It is a reminder that joy will return.
Even if you're a Smurf.
The fabulous Kim, whom I have grown to love so dearly, even though I have never met her in person, left a very simple comment on my last post about my new altered dream and what I hope to do in this world and with my life. It is a realization that took many years (I'm talkin' like thirty-three) to be able to put into form, and thought, and then have the courage to say and proclaim out loud.
Her simple comment:
"I love your new dream. You are living it, you know."
This comment threw me right over the edge of joy.
Tears of joy.
Even though I knew it was true, sometimes we have to hear things from others before they feel real. Life is funny like that. This is what it felt like to realize I am actually living my dream:
Joy. It felt like...joy.
This is my reminder of joy.
It's a reminder for you, too.
That joy returns.
That joy is possible.
That joy is, sometimes, just a simple realization of what we already know.
Wishing you joy, my sweet, sweet, friends.
Tears of joy...
Until next time...