Saturday, October 26, 2013

The Beauty of Decisions

Crazy pill count:
AM 200 Lamictal, 30 Cymbalta, 10 Adderall, .5 Ativan
afternoon 10 Adderall
PM 300 Lamictal, 20 Zyprexa, .5 Ativan

Due to moving I have not watched TV in two months. When I lived in L.A. I didn't have a TV for nearly five years. When I moved to Indiana I had a sweet little twelve inch TV I bought from a pawn shop. Pawn shop, really? You bet. Broke college students shop at pawn shops. Well, maybe not, but this girl sure did.

This is also the girl who, along with my to-be-husband and brother-in-law, collected old furniture from the garbage and drove it to the used furniture store for cold hard cash. Wait, collecting things from the garbage? Yes, that's my classy way of saying I was a garbage picker.

Oh, boy, that looks like a good find. Ca-ching!

In fact, I am a life long garbage picker. I used to bring all kinds of trash home and put it in the garage and never touch it again. As a child I was limited to the houses on Elizabeth Drive and what I could fit into my wagon, but, after age sixteen I had a lot more garbage picking freedom. I gained the ability to drive my mother's woody station wagon, endearingly named "The Beast," and cram as much shit as possible into the back and the way-way-back. Oh, and by the way, in case you are wondering, "The Beast" could go upwards of 120 mph.

So anyway, I had this sweet little twelve inch TV but the trick is it didn't get any channels. I really only used it to watch rental "Sex and the City" seasons. (Remember when we had video stores?) Once upon a depression I heard about this girl who didn't go to class for a week, but instead she did nothing but watch an entire season a day. (That might have been me. Oops.)

I think it would be hard to find four women more excited to catch imaginary flowers than these gals.

Wow, that's a lot of unnecessary back story. What the h-e-double-hockey-stick is my point in this ridiculously long, and frankly, quite boring story?

The point is I have not watched TV in two months. But then I discovered a little something called, Hulu. Who needs Blockbuster now, bitch? Not me. Ever since I discovered Hulu last week I have been on a certifiable TV binge.

I am currently working my way through "Grey's Anatomy." Yeah, I know, I know, I am the last person on Earth who still watches "Grey's Anatomy." Well, keep your pants on kids because I'm about to quote "Grey's Anatomy." Yup. I'm that girl. I know you may be pleading, "Please. Please. For the love of God and this great green not quote "Grey's Anatomy." Too bad. Here it goes...

I am going to quote Richard Webber, our beloved ex-chief, from Season 10 Episode 1.
Richard Webber? Can't place his face?
You know, this guy:

Why the long face, Chief? 
Oh, he must be trying to remember where he left his white coat.

This is his, you-just-got-suspended-from-the-OR-face.

He said:

"We're all going to die. We don't have much say over how or when, but we do get to decide how we're gonna live. So do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out and decide."

I think this can have a lot to do with bipolar disorder. We don't have much (or any) say over whether or not we have a mental illness. We don't get to decide if bipolar disorder is the way we want to live. But we do get to decide how we're gonna live with it.

Take pills? (yes)
Go to the doctor? (a big fat yes)
And we get to decide to love ourselves.

We get to decide to deal with our asshole neurotransmitters the best we can. We get to decide to reach to others for strength when our strength has vanished. We get to decide to be kind to ourselves - compassionate, gentle, understanding, accepting.

We get to decide.
Yes, we have that ability and power. We get to decide to keep breathing in and out. Despite all of the crap...we get to decide, friends.
We. Get. To. Decide.

So do it. Decide to do every fucking thing you can to live your life, our one precious life, as lovingly as you can. I know I said I wouldn't say fuck anymore, but this is an emergency. It is an emergency that we  live our one precious (Godforsaken bipolar) life the best way we can. Because we deserve it. We deserve a beautiful life. And we can have that beautiful life, despite any and all, if only we decide.

Claim that power.
Decide beautiful.

Until next time...


  1. Working on it...Some days are far easier than others. And sometimes others just suck and I hate that those ones feel wasted !
    But even on the really, really bad days, there is always precious light. You are a bright one, Beautiful. Thanks for adding light to my day today.

    1. Like you said, there is always precious light. The experience of each day shapes our future experiences. So those really crappy days we hate...well, they make the light ones all the more sweeter. Love you, Kim

  2. Love this!!!!!! Love you!!!! And Love Greys!!!

  3. About to watch this week's Grey's so it's definitely not just you. I've learnt a lot of stuff and discovered great music all just from Grey's Anatomy xx